May 8, 2023
In this episode, we chat with the authors of the New York Times best-seller “Sex Talks” — sex therapist Vanessa, and her supportive husband, Zander. We get to talk about why sex should not be an uncomfortable topic, the “Five Conversations” in their book that could help us talk about sex comfortably and how to apply them, the challenges of female orgasm, and why sex should be a collective effort of both partners, in a relationship or not.
[3:20] The Start
“I think I wanna help people get comfortable talking about sex and especially because once I start having sex, my own lack of conversation in my own sex life was having very negative impacts for me.”
[4:35] Marriage and Career
“I was actually really intimidated and scared because I was like ‘Does this mean I’m gonna have to work on my sex life?’”
[6:48] With Parents
“If I can get my parents to talk about sex, if I can comfortably talk about sex with my parents, I think we can all do this.”
[11:06] Sex Talks
“We came up with these 5 conversations that we really believe are the most essential, crucial ones, that will transform any couple’s relationship.”
[14:38] Conversation One: Acknowledgement
“The mistake that most people make is we don’t talk about sex until something is really bothering us…Your only goal with this conversation is to get comfortable with sex as a topic of conversation.”
[20:39] Faking Orgasms
“I knew how to orgasm on my own, but I could not get there with a partner, and I faked it for so many years.”
[21:37] Conversation Two: Connection
“We think of sex as just this physical act that we do with each other, but the reality is, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are deeply intertwined with each other. We really can’t experience one without the other.”
[29:56] Conversation Three: Desire
“When it comes to desire, we all have different ways that we’d like…What works for me, doesn’t really work for Vanessa, so it’s a matter of me figuring out what are the little things that I can do.”
[37:38] Orgasm Gap
“The problem is that the way that our bodies are actually wired from a nerve ending standpoint is that intercourse is not actually the most pleasurable thing for a woman… 91% of women said that intercourse is not their favorite.”
[43:56] Conversation Four: Pleasure
“Even if you did find some trick that works really great for your last partner, every woman’s body is different, and that thing that worked great for that one person is probably not gonna work great for the next person you’re with. So it’s like guys, we need to deprogram a lot of that socialization.”
[47:27] Talking To Your Partner
“Your erection is not your sole responsibility. Your partner is here and could help you as well. If you’re taking your time helping her feel good, she can also take her time to help you feel good.”
[53:42] On Casual Relationships
“If you’re with somebody who’s not showing you respect, who does not seem to be that invested in your pleasure, that’s not somebody that deserves to be having sex with you.”
[58:01] Conversation Five: Exploration
“Keeping it spicy, it doesn’t have to be something
brand new, it could be just something that you used to do… Just
bring back something you’ve done before, or you know you enjoyed
it, but you just haven’t done it in a
while.”
Follow Vanessa & Xander on instagram @vanessaandxander
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